I forgot that I made this blog. I was scrolling through my own Facebook profile when I came across the link. What a fucking arrogant title I gave it! So pretentious, right?
The older I get, the less I write. In a lot of ways I thought of it as a natural response to maturing. So long, my angsty adolescent journals! When it comes to writing, my fear is always that someone I know will discover and read it one day. My next fear is that no-one will ever read it, and my worst fear is that someone will read it and not care. I’m contradicting myself. It’s ok.
I’m in a phase, likely short-lived, of having an abundance of unexpressed emotion. This is my last full week in New York City before I move, and I’m a kind of bittersweet sad. I’ve lived a lot of places, and I’ve always been ready to move on, but I found happiness here in New York. For the first time ever, I don’t want to go. I get it, why people write songs about this place. Cue Alicia Keys, howling, “In Neeeeeeeew Yooooooork! Concrete jungle where dreams are made of!”
The next place will be good. I’m confident. But, for a moment, I’m letting myself feel sad about moving on from this time and place in my life where I was really, really happy.
I’m not very good at goodbyes. Friends and family keep asking, “when are you graduating?” and “when are you moving?”. Unfortunately, it’s all a weirdly gradual transition, so I haven’t given real answers to anybody. Today, a friend of mine said, “Just pick a day and make it finite so that people can say goodbye.” It’s good advice. I honestly didn’t think that anybody would care about saying goodbye, though. I still don’t. This is a transient city, and in my experience, when a person leaves, the others move on pretty quickly. I doubt I’ll be missed in much more than a passing glance because life just moves on. But, maybe my friend is right. I’ll take his advice anyway.
Goodbyes feel either overly dramatic (it’s not like we’ll never see each other again, right?!) or overwhelmingly normal (why are we just waving at each other after a brief side hug, I mean we were close, right?!). Today I did say goodbye to a group of people I spent a lot of time with, and I finished by buying everybody shots. When all else fails, I suppose a round of shots is always a good way to go out.